after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
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