There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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