I cannot find my penis.
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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