Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
We just shotgunned beers for America
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
