if i can run in heels then i can drive
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
