he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
