Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Randomize
