Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
