does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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