Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
