Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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