Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
