She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
