Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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