dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
