she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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