I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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