Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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