peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
