yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
