you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
send nudes
from the living room?
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
