Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
