Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Randomize
