i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Randomize
