Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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