Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
how drunk are you?
Several
Randomize
