There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
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