Omg! Love it! Cant find L*****
What!!?? Like after last night you lost her?
Yea me and L***** came back to out hotel at 3am to regroup then went back out; police and 2 bars later, I don't know what happened. Vegas is nuts!
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
