either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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