His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
