Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
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