you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Randomize
