I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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