I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
