i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
he was CRYING into my vagina
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
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