Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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