Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
