life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
