I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
