After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
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