return my video game
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
