It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
