high people should be assigned attendants
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
