would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
