I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
