Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
