Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
