First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
