I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Randomize
