He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
