so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
This house was built for laser tag.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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