Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Randomize
